There is also recent evidence that the brain is still doing a great deal of development into the 20's and even 30's. There is a great video on TED (if you don't know about TED then go look it up, it is awesome) on this very topic. Just a snippet of some neat info there.
What I really want to get into is one of the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder:
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of selfWhen I had a look through the diagnostic criteria for myself, as was suggested by my psychologist (she trusts me not to self diagnose) I nodded my head when I saw this one, but when I thought about it later I realised that I didn't really know what I thought identity was, or what it meant to have a "sense of self".
I still don't. And I think most people would say that I have a very strong identity. Perhaps to them I do. But I would strongly disagree.
Firstly, I am a personality sponge. I adapt very quickly and thoroughly to my surroundings and change my behaviour accordingly. It may not be anything new to be a different person depending on who you're with, but it makes a big difference when your mind starts getting confused about which one is really you.
I change my hair colour quite often. I tell people it's because I get bored easily, but that's not really the case. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to look like. My face seems to change with every hair colour change and I never get comfortable with how it looks.
The way I see my body changes regularly. Sometimes I see myself as quite thin, other times I look enormous. Sometimes I can be quite pretty, other times I see an alien type creature. Parts of my body can appear distorted, especially the areas where I've self harmed.
I started wearing makeup and becoming quite adept in it when I was around 19, when previously I had little interest in makeup. For years I've been experimenting with different styles and colours and techniques, feeling like I was expressing myself somehow. Over time I realised that I was frightened of the way my own face looks, and felt much safer putting a mask on than to expose the alien beneath it.
I have strong morals, I know there are facets of my personality that have been pretty much the same, but over the years I have been gradually losing sight of who and what I really am.
Self harm has played a strong part in my dysphoria with my own body. Before I started self harming, which was only about 18 months ago, I was very comfortable in my own skin. I liked my body and what it could do. I wasn't totally happy, but I was still proud. When the self harm started I became very disoriented. I became shameful of my body. I felt disconnected. I could not remember what it felt like to be totally comfortable with myself and who I was and how I looked. I detached.
Speaking with others I know with BPD this is not an unusual position to be in. Accepting yourself and loving yourself is something so completely foreign, like it's in a language no-one has spoken for thousands of years. Your reflection is not an accurate representation. You can't recognise yourself in your own features.
I do not know a place that isn't inherently filled with shame and self hatred. When I feel too overwhelmed by these feelings, I detach, and become numb, or I become highly distressed, and both of these can lead to some very dangerous place.
It's very difficult to feel like "yourself" when you don't even know who that is.