Who am I? - The struggle with identity

When people talk about identity I'm pretty sure they don't really know what they mean. Identity is something that is really important and also really difficult to define. According to developmental psychology, most people go through their "identity development" stage in their teens, sometimes into their twenties. Of course, there are people out there who are probably going "I'm way past 20 and still have no freaking clue who I am!" That's not too unusual, but it is fairly well established that your sense of self tends to settle down by at the latest around 25.

There is also recent evidence that the brain is still doing a great deal of development into the 20's and even 30's. There is a great video on TED (if you don't know about TED then go look it up, it is awesome) on this very topic. Just a snippet of some neat info there.

What I really want to get into is one of the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder:

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

When I had a look through the diagnostic criteria for myself, as was suggested by my psychologist (she trusts me not to self diagnose) I nodded my head when I saw this one, but when I thought about it later I realised that I didn't really know what I thought identity was, or what it meant to have a "sense of self".

I still don't. And I think most people would say that I have a very strong identity. Perhaps to them I do. But I would strongly disagree.

Firstly, I am a personality sponge. I adapt very quickly and thoroughly to my surroundings and change my behaviour accordingly. It may not be anything new to be a different person depending on who you're with, but it makes a big difference when your mind starts getting confused about which one is really you.

I change my hair colour quite often. I tell people it's because I get bored easily, but that's not really the case. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to look like. My face seems to change with every hair colour change and I never get comfortable with how it looks.

The way I see my body changes regularly. Sometimes I see myself as quite thin, other times I look enormous. Sometimes I can be quite pretty, other times I see an alien type creature. Parts of my body can appear distorted, especially the areas where I've self harmed.

I started wearing makeup and becoming quite adept in it when I was around 19, when previously I had little interest in makeup. For years I've been experimenting with different styles and colours and techniques, feeling like I was expressing myself somehow. Over time I realised that I was frightened of the way my own face looks, and felt much safer putting a mask on than to expose the alien beneath it.

I have strong morals, I know there are facets of my personality that have been pretty much the same, but over the years I have been gradually losing sight of who and what I really am.

Self harm has played a strong part in my dysphoria with my own body. Before I started self harming, which was only about 18 months ago, I was very comfortable in my own skin. I liked my body and what it could do. I wasn't totally happy, but I was still proud. When the self harm started I became very disoriented. I became shameful of my body. I felt disconnected. I could not remember what it felt like to be totally comfortable with myself and who I was and how I looked. I detached.

Speaking with others I know with BPD this is not an unusual position to be in. Accepting yourself and loving yourself is something so completely foreign, like it's in a language no-one has spoken for thousands of years. Your reflection is not an accurate representation. You can't recognise yourself in your own features.

I do not know a place that isn't inherently filled with shame and self hatred. When I feel too overwhelmed by these feelings, I detach, and become numb, or I become highly distressed, and both of these can lead to some very dangerous place.

It's very difficult to feel like "yourself" when you don't even know who that is.