Relapse and advice

First off, a trigger warning. I talk openly about self harm and disordered eating.

It is a well known fact that relapse is a part of recovery, as much as those in recovery hate to admit it (or at least I certainly do). Relapse means something different for every illness, and for each individual. Often though, the common theme is returning to those self destructive coping mechanisms we've tried so hard to change. This can mean staying in bed all day, pulling hair out, scratching, cutting, burning, binging, purging, restricting, over-eating, reckless behaviour... anything we've used to cope that is ultimately harmful that became habit.

I think of relapse like a horror movie that you've seen a million times. You know what's going to happen. You cringe as you watch the characters do the same thing over and over again with the same result: they die in some horribly gruesome fashion. They make the same stupid mistake over and over again. You are helpless to stop it from happening.

This is perhaps a very negative view of relapse. It implies that you are a helpless victim to your illness, and that there is not point trying because you're just going to hit the same point over and over again.

I'd like to emphasise that I don't believe either of those things. But I find it increasingly frustrating the more I see people giving advice to those going through relapse, reassuring them with the same clichés; relapse is normal, it's a part of recovery, you just have to get through it, it'll get easier every time etc. etc. It's just as annoying to me as people who say "it's okay to not be okay". I especially detest this kind of advice when it comes from people who know me well, and/or have had their own struggles with mental illness. Are you kidding me? 

I understand that people don't know what to say most of the time, and there's a great deal of fear of saying the wrong thing. But those who know me well know that I've been dealing with this for years. I've seen plenty of different counsellors and psychologists and psychiatrists. I've read hundreds of articles and blog posts. I've heard it all. Every buzzword. It is not helpful to continuously use the same words/phrases for each individual if you want them to actually listen to you. I'm not saying there isn't very obviously well researched and studied ways of treating illnesses; I'm saying that when you are dealing with someone one on one, try to avoid the buzzwords and clichés. It reduces the person to a statistic. To a number. To one of many. 

It's more difficult certainly with a stranger on the internet, but all you really need to do is listen to the person to get a good idea of their individual struggle, and to then tailor your response. If it's someone you know well, remember that they probably think you're really tired of hearing about their problems and they are just waiting for the same responses. Whether you've been kind to them in these situations, or kind of a jerk, they'll notice if you rehash the same advice you've given before. Perhaps they do need to be reminded of the same thing. It's still insulting when you use exactly the same language, exactly the same phrases, for a different situation, and as someone who is supposed to know them well.

Be patient. Let them explain. Notice what's different this time. Think about the phrases you use and whether or not they are actually helpful or just something you think you're supposed to say. Every person going through relapse is experiencing things differently, and every time they relapse is different. So it should be treated that way.

On a more personal note, I am going through a relapse.

For me this means isolating, binge eating junk food, making myself throw up, spending too much money on things I don't need, cutting myself and not caring about putting myself into situations I know will ultimately make me feel worse. I watch myself doing this and feel incredulous at my own stupidity. Why would I go back to these habits when I know how harmful they are?

The problem really isn't knowing that they're harmful. Habits are hard to break. Self destructive coping mechanisms are very hard to break. It's not something you can think away. Certainly knowing is part of it, but ultimately that's not what's helpful. Getting into good habits and good coping skills is what helps. It's slow, and fucking painful, and you're going to trip and fall on your arse repeatedly. It's more than a little fucking annoying. 

But falling on your arse again doesn't negate everything else awesome that you've achieved since you started. Falling on my arse doesn't negate every awesome thing I've achieved since I started. It can feel that way, but it's not remotely accurate.

What I can't do at the moment is talk about it. I've actually found that I'm getting worse at admitting that I'm not well. I just imagine people get tired of it. I get easily upset when people ignore me or stop talking to me or stop asking to hang out and feel it's easier to just be fun and happy so that people will want to talk to me and spend time with me. When someone comes along who's really supportive and kind, I cling to that person and go to them every time something goes wrong and then end up feeling horrible for constantly being a burden and only ever being negative. I'm not really sure what to do about that to be honest.

A person's illness morphs and changes over time, and some good habits get lost because it just seems to become more trouble than it's worth.

Ultimately, everyone is going through something different, and everyone deserves to be treated as an individual.