My "journey" with mental illness started around the time I entered high school, but I only started to receive treatment from the age of 17, as by this stage things had become fairly critical. This was also the age that I started taking antidepressants.
There are many different forms of antidepressants, but the one I was given, Effexor (venlafexine), is what is known as an SNRI. This stands for Serotonin and Norepinephrine Re-uptake Inhibitor. This differs from SSRI's, which most people have heard of, in that it effects two brain chemicals, not just serotonin.
Effexor is commonly used and has been seen to be quite effective in the treatment of depression and anxiety disorders.
Now I will say that to begin with Effexor worked really well. I'm pretty sure that it helped me to actually finish college and function fairly well for the next few years.
The problem occurred when my dosage was increased after a relationship breakup.
One thing that is fairly common amongst drugs classified as antidepressants as that they often make the consumer feel a smaller range of emotion. It can be very helpful if you experience crippling lows, but it also means that it's harder to feel "highs" as well. While this effect for me was quite mild for the first few years I was taking Effexor, once my dosage was increased it became much worse.
Now just to note, my experience with Effexor cannot be used to indicate what someone else will experience. Everyone's brain is different, and as such it is very difficult to predict the effects that psychiatric medication will have on an individual.
I began to notice that I struggled to feel any empathy, which was previously very natural for me. When friends talked to me about problems, or I watched or read something upsetting, I would have no emotional reaction to it, where as previously I was emotionally moved very easily.
Unfortunately for me, the numbness became so bad that I began to self harm.
I changed medication twice and have been on my current medication for over a year.
Since my diagnosis (and acceptance) of BPD, it has been more difficult to notice whether or not my medication actually works. It is incredibly frustrating as I commonly get asked this question by health professionals and my answer is always "I don't know."
Also having been taking antidepressants for 6 years, and especially during the years I was really forming and establishing my identity, I honestly don't know what I am like without them, and I'm not completely convinced that I would be the same person now had I not been on medication this whole time.
I have been lucky however in that the health professionals that I have seen since being first diagnosed were very careful about prescribing medication. Too often I have heard of people having medication basically thrown at them, and people being on so many drugs it honestly scares me, especially psychiatric medications.
I have only very recently been prescribed an antipsychotic (quetiapine). This class of drug is commonly used in patients with bipolar disorder to aid in the treatment of mania, but is also used in psychotic and personality disorders, as they can also experience mania like symptoms, or simply high distress.
I was hesitant to tell people this had happened, but it became difficult to avoid as I had to take it at night, at least an hour before bed, and it makes me quite drowsy (it really helps me sleep). This has had a significant impact on socialising (most of which I do in the evenings). It's also quite a horrible name for a class of drug, as people can immediately jump to the conclusion that you are now actually a crazy person, and to be honest I feel like this too sometimes. It's not uncommon for someone to be on antidepressants. In fact, it's incredibly common. But antipsychotics? Not so much.
It's hard not to feel like I'm officially a crazy person now. While I haven't been messed around medication wise as much as many people I know, this still feels like a step downhill in terms of my illness, and only seems to increase my sense of things getting worse instead of better over the last 18 months (if not longer).
Anyway, I made the decision after being prescribed Seroquel (quetiapine) that I would stop drinking alcohol. Upon reflection I know that I am not good at self control when it comes to alcohol consumption, and that more often than not it would cause me to become very depressed, make unwise decisions that were bad for my mental health, as well as spending money that I really don't have. It's already advised not to drink while on anti depressants, so now that I am also on medication that makes me drowsy at night it just seemed like a good time to make that decision. It is hard, but even after only a couple of weeks I am feeling generally better, and have been able to enjoy social activities without drinking.
I don't like being medicated, but I am personally better off for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment