Triggers

Quite often with mental illness, but especially so with BPD, we talk about "triggers". These are things, whether sights, sounds, smells, experiences etc., that will cause a severe emotional reaction that may lead to a relapse in illness, or an episode of self harm/self destructive behaviour.

Triggers can be very easy to identify, or extremely difficult. Sometimes it's very difficult to know what can trigger you if it has never happened before, and sometimes things that have triggered you before won't do so again. It's a fun game as you can see.

I've always had trouble defining my triggers. I know of a few definite ones, like seeing pictures of self harm, that I work actively to avoid. But pinning down my triggers is definitely an ongoing and ever changing part of my illness.

One very powerful trigger for me is moving house. Since moving out of home 7 years ago I have moved house 6 times. The reasons I've had to move house have often been because an individual has caused me significant distress and I have to move to get away from that person. Even without the stressful circumstances, moving house is stressful for even the healthiest of people. It's right up there with a relationship breakup or losing a loved one. But for someone suffering from a mental illness, it becomes a very dangerous time in which that person can slip back into crisis.

Having a place to call home is extremely important to me, as I imagine it is for most people. I need to have a safe place where I am accepted and welcome. I need a space that is mine.

Having a roof over your head is not the same as having a home. While shelter is obviously an essential, having a home just makes the rest of life easier. Somewhere that we can go back to that is safe and welcoming when everything else is falling to pieces. It is a foundation, a pillar that helps keep us upright.

Losing that pillar... well for me, it throws everything into chaos.

My head starts to move in several directions at once. Instead of having a few fairly clear paths, suddenly I'm faced with a cacophony of options and I just can't seem to focus on anything. I feel weightless as if drowning in my own terror. I start to have moments where I will simply stop functioning because my brain is so overloaded. In these moments people can try and interact with me and I will honestly not be able to respond. My emotions become heightened and erratic. I struggle not to let these emotions hurt others, or myself.

The issue of course is that I need to focus. Moving house means packing and organising and tidying and coordinating... so I muster up all my strength and push all the hurt and rage and fear aside and power myself through. It's fairly common for everyone to do this when they need to get through something tough.

Once it's over... I fall apart.

This is the danger point.

I recognise it now and do my best not to allow it to swallow me, but it's very hard without any energy left to lift myself up.

I get overwhelmed with the need to self destruct. Left with just myself to deal with, all the rage and hurt and fear gets focused inwards and all I want to do is cause myself pain.

It doesn't seem to make much sense, but as someone who absolutely cannot let anyone they care about get hurt, those emotions have to go somewhere, and it's easy when you already hate yourself to just let it turn inwards and hurt you.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay. I'm not. I just hope that I can get through this with the minimal amount of damage.