The pluses and minuses of finding others that share your diagnosis

When BPD was suggested to me, the first thing I felt was alone. I didn't know anyone else with the same diagnosis. I knew other people with anxiety and depression (ie pretty much all of my friends), but not BPD. Upon researching some statistics, about 2% of the Australian population are diagnosed with BPD, which equates to about 440,000 people. Considering that the population of Australia is about 23 million, that's not actually a huge number.

The second thing I felt was scared. From what little I knew of BPD, it was a diagnosis that tended to mean a huge amount of discrimination, both within and without mental health services. I had a stigma attached to BPD already; I was actually a crazy person now.

When I accessed a service created as a midway point between hospital and home, I met someone else who had the same diagnosis, and I was relieved. Finally, I wasn't alone. Finally someone who could understand what I was going through. I could say things to her that would normally scare other people. I felt a strong attachment grow.

Over time I started to realise that it wasn't entirely a good thing. To start with, my attachment was so strong that I was constantly worried. I felt everything they felt. I went up and down with them. I was very emotionally invested in this person. I wanted them to look after me and understand me and accept me and not leave. I had begun to imitate them, base my identity around them.

But of course, they left.

BPD has a very high rate of ED presentations, due to the severity amongst a majority of sufferers of suicidal ideation and self harm. The friend I made went back to hospital, and I was on my own.

I was furious. How could they do this to me? How could they leave me? How would I ever cope now without them? I was also incredibly upset, knowing that they themselves had decided they needed to return to hospital. I was worried. I was anxious thinking about how she would be treated in hospital. I missed them so much it hurt.

I look back on that moment now and realise how dangerous it was for me getting so attached. I was so overwhelmed that my only thought was making the pain physical so I could fix it.

I self harmed because she left.

Since that time, I have spoken to other people who have/have had a BPD diagnosis, and have been very wary of getting too close to them. I'm aware that my need to find someone who will be able to accept me completely and entirely because they themselves have experienced the same thing is actually dangerous. While that acceptance and understanding is good, the severe emotional attachment and investment that I place on that relationship becomes all encompassing and it can make or break me far too easily.

It's nice to find someone who understands, but I have to tread with caution.

Rubyetc is a wonderful artist who has had a diagnosis of BPD and illustrates her mind workings for the rest of us. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, she is brilliant, and I'm glad I found her art.